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February 20, 2012
Do you live in the past, present or future? Most of us live in all three, but have a preference for one. For humans with our big brains, living in the present is perhaps the hardest. Why? I think it has to do with emotional safety. The belief goes something like this: If I learn from the past I won't make the same mistakes and if I plan and rehearse the future I will do things better in the future." What part of that sounds like fun? None of it! Being careful and planning ahead definately has its limits. To find out where the juice of life is, try spending more time in the here and now.
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day, a whole day in honor of love. Do you remember a moment when you truly felt love, or that you were loved? It is good to take a moment and remember how the power of love has manifested in our lives. Is there someone you love that you can call today? Is there someone whose life you can make better with your smile? A kind thought or deed will yield great reward to both parties. It chases away the blues, and reminds all of us that we are so connected.
With Love,
Cheryl
February 6, 2012
I have a new puppy! Bindu is a 9 week old Bichon Friese curled up in my lap and sleeping. When she gets old enough, I would like to train her to be a therapy dog. Right now, she is at the stage of a human toddler, getting into everything, not understanding the difference between a stick and a power cord, unafraid and positive. We all start out like this - innocent, open and curious about everything. Having a puppy reminds me of how important love is to all of us, especially when we are growing. It determines how we will interpret the actions and reactions we have to others for the rest of our lives. If we expect goodness, we are more inclined to get it - and give it.
Here's tor puppy love,
Cheryl
January 30, 2012
Gratitude. Why is it so much a part of what most spiritual paths and many psychotherapies? I believe it is because gratitude so easily fosters positive movement - and resulting happiness - in a person's life. Try this experiment. Use a situation in your life that occurs over and over agin in which you habitually feel either neutral or negative about, like taking a bus or a weekly meeting with a coworker. Think in advance of several things that you could chose to be grateful about with regard to the activity, even it the "gratitude" feels a bit artificial. Then, come into the situation focusing on those thoughts and see how you feel during and after the event.
The mind is your willing servant, and thinks what you want it to think. As Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Amazing, but true.
Happy Monday,
Cheryl
January 23, 2012
Sometimes in life, a person can feel like they don't have any distinct goals and their dreams can be elusive. How important for you is it to always have something to strive for and the energy to focus on it? As the old song says "If you don't have a dream. . .then how you gonna make a dream come true?"
I believe that it is normal to have ebbs and flows with regard to dreams and goals. At some points in life, you may have a sharp and clear focus - you may know exactly what you want and where you are going next - for example, finishing a degree, starting a new relationship or having a baby. At other times, knowing what you want to do with your life and where you are going next is just less clear.
If you are going through a period when you are not sure what you want to do or where you want to be, it can be a very good time for you IF you take care of your emotional health and remain open minded to what is coming your way but has not yet made it to your awareness. At these times, you can see that there are a myriad of possibilities and new directions if you are open to them.
However, if you feel stuck in a rut, or like you have no purpose in life, not having goals and dreams is a symptom. It may mean you have become depressed, overly anxious, angry or discouraged. You may feel unable to concentrate, or may just want to put your head in the sand.
So not not feeling particularly motivated may be either a good or bad thing, but one thing for sure is that it is a sign that change is coming! Nothing stays the same, and if we don't change, change will come to us anyway and then we will have to adapt to it. During times of change, therapy can be a very useful tool. Feel free to contact me today at 415 282 2200.
Respectfully Yours,
Cheryl
January 16, 2012
External restraints on freedom are often cited as the causes of war and suffering, yet what about the internal wars we fight with ourselves? To be truly free in the world, is it necessary to be free of inner restraints that would keep us small and away from our power to change the world. Even if a person seems great to everyone else in the world, but how do they really feel about themselves when they close their eyes at night? What is going on inside them? Are they living their convictions?
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It is a good time to reflect on what it means to have inner freedom, to be able to understand who one is and how one wants to live one's life. I believe finding inner freedom is necessary to live life fully and achieve one's destiny. Even though this often leads to the admiration of others, it occasionally it leads to one's death. It takes courage to live by inner convictions. Let us honor those who have served and still serve as examples of both inner and outer freedom.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
January 9, 2012
Routine. This is a sweet word for many this time of year - a time to say goodbye to the holidays and hello to getting back to our day-to-day lives. Almost all people like routines. And they are a necessary foundation of change. Think of a ship - in rough seas, it's hard to want to start something new and bold until the sailing is smooth enough to allow one to stand easily. Our minds are like that too. That is one of the reasons I am gentle with people taking as long as they need to get out of situations they no longer want, but haven't yet changed.
So embrace what is good about your current routines while selectively eliminating bad habits. Sometimes it is not a person, place or thing that is actually the problem, just one's approach to those people, places and things - an approach based on habit. Feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss this further.
Warmly,
Cheryl
January 1, 2012
Happy New Year. Do you have any New Year's thoughts or resolutions? I have a simple one that I hope will permeate us all - that we remember throughout the year to look at ourselves - and our world - with kindness.
Take Care,
Cheryl
December 26, 2011
Today, a lot of us are thinking about family, making connections with friends, wondering about the year ahead of us. This is a great week - this week in and between major holidays. Many feel a combination of both good and bad feelings, sadness of holidays and people no longer in our lives, or relief that certain circumstances and people are gone from our lives! This break of routine allows us to think differently, to see more perhaps, than in our everyday lives.
The most important key to enjoying this week is to look at how you take care of yourself in the present moment. Living moment to moment in emotional times, you many be tempted to care for others instead of yourself, or conversely, to isolate yourself. So stop for a minute after reading this and think about how you can take care of yourself, let yourself feel what you are not giving yourself, and be present. Be a present to your own self!
With Love,
Cheryl
December 19, 2011
Winter Solstice is December 22nd. Even before the New Year makes its appearance, our days have begun to lengthen. The Solstice marks the moment when the darkest winter begins to give way to the light. For the simple pleasure of marking this extraordinay day, below is Robert Frost's poem, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”
"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
Peace,
Cheryl
December 6, 2010
Do the holidays leave you feeling pulled in opposite directions? On one hand, this is the darkest month of the year, temperatures are down and even the landscape feels muffled in fallen leaves and fog. Our bodies and minds are calling us to go inward, to reflect, pause, dream. At the same time, the holidays are calling us to shop, listen and party. Where is the balance between these opposite directions?
I believe a major key to a good holiday season is the company you keep. Perhaps the most extreme unbalances in this season are a product of going along with the "flow" of social activities, spending and family obligations without giving oneself time for rest and contemplation. Yet isolation is not the answer either. Who in your life fills you with joy, inspiration, and makes you laugh? And on the opposite end, who in your life drains you or makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself? It is true that one can feel lonely in a crowd. It is also true that one can be all the company they need with nothing more than a good book and a hot cup of tea,
Season's Greetings,
Cheryl
December 12, 2011
I met with a group of therapists yesterday for holiday cheer and just to talk about our lives as therapists - what a caring bunch! I think it is important for me to know as many therapists as I can because when someone calls me for treatment, if what they need to see someone for is not my specialty, I have the pleasure of referring them to other therapists whose work I admire. I believe it is this sort of referral reciprocity is part of what makes our profession great. No one person can be all things to all people. In return, my colleagues have brought me many great referrals of clients whose issues I do specialize in - such as relationships, co-dependency, addiction and personal growth.
Here's to Giving and Receiving,
Cheryl
December 5, 2011
What do you think you were put on earth to do? Often, people have several things they believe they were put her to do, and from looking at it from that lens, see a central core belief or idea that connects everything. I think it is natural to want to have an overarching purpose, even if it is only to have a good time - however, it is even better when the heart is involved in that good time. What does your heart want and need today?
Enjoy Life,
Cheryl
November 28, 2011
The beginning of the end of 2011 is here. Take a moment to see yourself today with a watchful, detached eye. What are you happy about in your life? What do you need to clarify?
Although the New Year doesn't come until January 1st, as early as December 22 the light will be returning once again to us. If you go outside today and look at the branches of trees and shrubs, it is likely you will find tight, new buds arising, with their futures curled up inside them. Nature never doubts that it is doing the right thing by making these buds in the dead of Winter. Should we?
Cheryl
November 14, 2011
Having gratitude for what one has instead of looking at what one does not have is a no-brainer. If you have ever tried it, it works. Yet it can be easy to focus on what one does not have, shutting out all of one's accomplishments and gifts.
Why does this occur? Possibly it is rooted in the chemical nature of the brain. Once the brain gets into a rut, thoughts flow into that rut and it can be hard to change the course of the stream. If you have enough repetition of unpleasant thoughts, and the great things about you and your life can be literally lost in internal space. Mark Twain said: "Habit is habit, and not to be thrust out the window by any man, but coaxed down the stairs gently, one step at a time."
Talk therapy can help to coax bad thought habits out of our brains one step at a time. Even though in some cases medication can speed this process, taking medication alone is not really an answer because even if it seems to be helping temporarily, if it is taken away the rut will often re-establishes itself.
Stay Healthy,
Cheryl
November 7, 2011
Practically speaking, there is a lot of hardship and crunch for many people right now. We are living in a society that is currently not quite living up to its financial capacity or promise as a nation. It is a time of polarization of political power and of spiritual division. And to top it all off, people's personal relationships are also paying a price. What challenges are you facing right now?
I found these words on a sticky note a few days ago - and they have stuck with me: "Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself."
In times like these, a fundamental belief in oneself is often all a person has, but it is almost always enough.
November 1, 2011
Right now, many of us are facing unpleasant employment issues - no employment, underemployment or fear of changing unsuitable employment due to fear another job would not exist. Your issues are real in today's economy - please don't think it is because you are faint of heart or unworthy. It is a tough marketplace out there at the momen, and success can feel illusive. Yet just like the housing boom of 2006 came and went, there are elements of what is happening today that are illusions as well.
What is important is to not be so frightened that you do not see that the roughest times are often the finest times for new growth, for new ways of doing things. When so many are sticking their heads in the sand, open yourself to change. Call me if you are reading this and it strikes a note with you and let's see how we might work together.
Cheryl
415 282 2200
October 24, 2011
Who knows how much time any of us have - or the world has. Our job is to live this time we do have to the best of our abilities. Therapy helps people to discover how to live out their best reality, despite the fact that we all could be swept away at any time. Some people never really look at what they can actually do with their lives because they are so afraid of death. Many more fear something that can feel like death but is actually often the path to a full life - and that is change. Change can feel like death because one cannot know what - if anything - will follow it. But it is certain that everyone's life changes, and that change is perhaps our greatest opportunity in life.
October 17, 2011
I spent last weekend on top of a mountain with a group of other therapists talking about, among other things, how we came to be therapists and how fortunate it feels to be able to provide psychotherapy as our profession in life. Actually, it feels more like a calling - it took many years of coursework and internships and training programs. I know some people who can do it all in four or five years - for me, from my first class three months after my son was born untill my license arrived in the mail one fine day - 12 years! Now that I have been practicing almost 12 years, I am still in awe - and grateful - for what I get to do for a living.
A journey of a thousand miles. . .
Cheryl
October 10, 2011
"you can't connect the dots until you look backward", said Steve Jobs in 2005 at Stanford University's Graduation exercises in 2005 (for the full text, go to (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc). I love this commencement address because Steve talks about a life lived off the beaten path. Steve was fired from Apple, a company he founded, and came back to make the company even greater. As a young person, he was so poor that he used to walk across town to the Hari Krishna temple once a week in order to have one decent meal a week. Yet he understood the immense importance of being himself.
Often, out of fear and long-standing conditioning, people cling to patterns and people that sap whatever energy they have for making the day-to-day small changes that lead them to their dreams. It is easy to get lost in the dots. Faith in the yet unseen is a large component of what helps our lives to make sense in the long run. If we are true to ourselves, the seemingly random acts and actions we take every day will eventually culmulate into a really great story - your story!
October 3, 2011
What does it mean to be honest with oneself? It has been said that if you have internal honesty you have everything. Internal honesty sometimes means facing things we don't want to see about ourselves and in our relationships with others. Being honest with ourselves might help us to look at things we have swept under the carpet. It might mean facing how we really feel about others or making changes that seem to threaten our sense of "security." Yet, in order to live more fully, we have to develop self honesty.
I often admire therapy clients as they strive to look unflinchingly at the thoughts, events and people in their lives who are holding them back. It takes a good deal of courage not to stick one's head in the sand. And at the same time, this kind of learning cannot be forced, it cannot be rushed. It comes as soon as it can be handled.
The paradox is that the more honest we are, even when it is inconvenient, the more we become secure, grounded and fearless in the long run. That is one of the wonderful mysteries of life - as we give up our false identities, the water of new understanding comes rushing in and we can set sail again.
Respectfully Yours,
Cheryl
September 26, 2011
I have been traveling a lot in the past month, and now am happy to be back to my work as a therapist. It was good to get away, and is good to be back. I find travel in general to be expansive, giving new perspective to what is left behind, and paving the way to new insights and actions when one returns.
Now that Fall is here I plan to stay put for a good while. Feel free to call or email me if you would like to make an appointment or discuss beginning therapy.
Warmly,
Cheryl
August 29, 2011
The seasons are changing again - can you feel it in the air? The back-to-school sales are almost over, and the days are getting shorter. Did you get what you wanted from your summer? Are you ready for the increase in the tempo of life that September brings? Despite the differences of our lives, our families and our jobs, the underlying turn of the seasons shows us our place in the order of the universe - in this way, we are all the same.
I like to think of this week before Labor Day as a pause week - a time where we can take stock of where we are and set our intentions on a new and productive season. What do you want to be doing in the weeks and months ahead? It is all a matter of perspective.
Live Well,
Cheryl
August 1, 2011
Relationships more than anything help us to grow and mature in life. Although our relationship with those who raised us is a prototype for how we perceive others, we do no need to be reactive and locked into the patterns established long ago. When it feels like we haven't gotten any better, remember this. Stress, anxiety, depression and other factors can sometimes make us feel we are just as "bad" as we ever were. Almost anyone, given enough stress, can and will revert back to earlier patterns that are not representative of a current state of being.
So if you find yourself behaving in old, codependent or addictive ways, find yourself not liking the words coming out of your mouth, or feeling a sense of despair that things are not any different than in the past, this is a sign to take yourself seriously and get the support you need. This could include more sleep, good food, exercise, or talking to someone. Do what you need to take care of yourself, or find someone who can work with you to help you feel better. You are more than simply the sum of the way you have been treated in life, and don't you forget it!
Here's to the best in us all,
Cheryl
July 18, 2011
It takes more preparation to get a driver's license than it does to become a parent. Think about what kind of world it would be if people consciously decided if and when they really wanted to become parents. What if they thought through how and with whom they wanted to parent, and felt good about their motivations for becoming parents?
I began facilitating Considering Parenthood workshops many years ago and still really enjoy working with people from all walks of life who may want to parent. Parenting may be the biggest decision a person can make in this lifetime, and doing it well yields its own reward. Check out my new "Considering Parenthood" page on this website.
July 5, 2011
The mind is a very busy thing. Even in sleep, the mind dreams. One of the trickiest things about being friends with one's mind is that you can't always believe what it is telling you. It takes practice to listen to it and yet draw a line.
Here is a way to practice listening with detachment to the minds rumblings. When you are not particularly happy with what your mind is telling you, step back and put on a pair of "mind glasses". These are special shades that allow you to observe the story you are being told. As you are listening, be aware of the emotions you are feeling, such as fear, anger, sadness or resignation. Then look at the story from an objective point of view. Is what your mind is telling you entirely factual? Probably not.
Remember, you can changes your thoughts, but you have to be aware of them first.
Warm Regards,
Cheryl
June 20, 2011
Summer Solstice is a day away and the sunshine we have been having is marvelous. Warmth can put the mind in a relaxed state, one that can lead to new ideas and connections and new happiness. Let Summer seep into you. There there is so much space in your own mind if you only stretch out into it.
Om,
Cheryl
June 6, 2011
The mind - it's size and complexity distinuishes us as being human, yet its messages can determine whether we make a better person or a worse person out of ourselves. Stop and listen to what your mind is telling you when you start to feel a strong mood. Note the predominent feeling you are having - is it happy, sad, joyful or angry? What is the story your mind is telling you at that point? The emotions and the brain are in the same soup. Change your story, change your life.
Why would we pick unhappy stories to tell ourselves? Force of habit is powerful, as is brain chemistry and past experience (on both a conscious and unconscious level). It can feel downright artificial to think well of ourselves when we should, especially in stressful situation. This is one of the reasons therapy can be so helpful - we can learn to see ourselves more accurately -more as others do.
Tip for the day: if you want to feel better instantly, write down 10 things you are grateful for today.
Here's to truly good stories,
Cheryl
May 23, 2011
Death awaits us all, yet we seldom talk that much about it. Perhaps the compartmentalization of this fact allows us to go about our daily lives without feeling afraid that even we will someday end. Yet to not think of death - including our own inevitable death, can create a sense of "floating" through life, of squandering the preciousness of our time here on this earth as though it was unlimited. So take a moment to feel the sacredness of this day, of being alive. Remember with gratitude those who have passed on. All feelings, even those of sadness and loss, are transitory. And there is honor in remembering what is important. It gives us the strength today to fully live.
Yours,
Cheryl
May 9, 2011
I have begun a Relationship Support Group in my Emeryville office on Wednesday evenings, from 7 to 8:30pm. I decided to offer this group because I believe there is no greater happiness in life than to love and be loved. This group will focus on how to create and strengthen important relationships. With this in mind, the group will explore topics like boundaries, increasing self-awareness and healthy intimacy. Feel free to contact me about it at Cheryl@cheryldeaner.com
I've been facilitating groups for over 20 years now, and this will be my first one in my new East Bay office.. To learn more about the group, follow this link, Relationship Support Group, to my group page.
I hope you continue to enjoy this beautiful Spring!
Cheryl
April 25, 2011
There is a lot of talk in the media these days about self-respect. Some common messages are that a self-respecting people get good grades, dress well, have a "repectable" career, eat “right” and so on. However, I believe that the criteria for self-respect must emerge from one's own self, one's own heart. Judging oneself against external standards can be the quickest route to a common form of self-disrespect.
What happens when you listen to your own inner voice? Is it a loving voice? When you are in pain, does your inner voicet soothe you? Or do you keep a stiff upper lip, or try to impress others at your own expense? When you do something really well, how do you feel about yourself - and for how long?
If you like, try this. Take a pen and paper. Center yourself, breathe deeply, and make a list of what you consider to be signs that you respect yourself. The most important thing is that it come from you.
April 11, 2011
Does everyone have a path in life? Some have an obvious path. For many, it's not so clear. Some find that over a lifetime, one's family provides the most meaning. Others follow spiritual paths. Yet for others, a career path dominates. Some despair that they have found no path at all.
I would like to posit that the reason we have “paths” is in order to find our deepest and truest self – the part of us that watches what one is doing, and what is being done to it. This is a part of us that knows, at some deep level, the truth, and whether or not we are living up to it.
To become familiar with the self, we might find a teacher, go to therapy, read, have deep conversations with ourselves. We might meditate, or follow one of many paths designed to help one find one's true self. Although self-knowledge lies beyond the details of our daily problems, its reflections are found in most of them.
May you find the answers you need today,
Cheryl
March 28, 2011
Conflict resolution can be one of the hardest things a person can do, and often it is avoided. But eventually, most conflicts have to be addressed one way or the other. Below are 5 basic steps that can help anyone to move through disagreements in a positive manner:
Clear, nondefensive communication
Use "I" statements when you begin to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Begin your sentences with "I" (such as, "I feel," "I think," "I was hurt") instead of "You" (such as, "You make me mad," "You didn't do this"). When you use "I" statements instead of "You" statements, the person you are talking with will be less likely to feel defensive.
Patient listening
Really listen while the other person is talking. Focus on what the other person is saying instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Wait until the person is finished talking before you respond to what was said.
Understanding and mutual respect
Work to see the other person's perspective. Think about his or her point of view and what he or she is saying. Recognize that one person's opinion is not better than another's.
Stay calm
Do your best to stay calm when you are working through a disagreement. Breathe slowly, silently count or pinch your thumb and forefinger together to keep from becoming upset or angry. If you or your partner become upset, stop talking and agree to continue when you have both calmed down.
Maintain focus
Focus on the topic under discussion and work toward resolution of that issue. Keep unrelated issues out of the discussion.
March 14
Now that light has returned to our evenings, it is time to shake off winter! While winter calls for contraction and our bodies literally scrunch up in cold weather, the promise of Spring offers a loosening of our limitations. As solar energy increases, parts of us that were dormant become reactivated. However, this is not always positive - unresolved problems and states of mind can also become reactivated and one can experience a blue feeling. So give yourself a break if you aren't feeling quite as good as you would like to right away. If a down mood persists, however, it may not be "just the blues" it may be depression, To help distinguish the two, try these suggestions for a few days and see if your state lifts:
Get some exercise for over 20 minutes at least twice a week. Take long walks, or go to the gym, or dance.
Talk to a good friend you have been meaning to call and catch up. Tell them how you are feeling.
Eat your greens. Eat fruit and vegetables and avoid junk food for an instant surge in energy.
Be easy on yourself. You are waking from the hibernation of winter, and will probably catch up with the season soon enough.
If these don't work, or you can't imagine doing them, talk to a therapist or other health professional - a depression can be dangerous to ignore. In fact, more suicides occur in Spring than in Winter.
Regards,
Cheryl
February 28, 2011
Sometimes, it is all about perspective. While living within an aura of what is happening in a particular stage of life (such as one's career, relationship, parenting or in school) one can be so powerfully absorbed in current reality that it can take a major effort to remember that there was ever a time when one felt differently, when one did not even dream of finding themselves in their current situation.
The pull of one's present can feel almost hypnotic. When the people, places and things in one's life feel like the only possible reality, one can be said to be living in a contracted state. Never mind that the person may have wanted that state, either consciously or unconsciously. In such a state, it can be easy to forget who one truly is. Some contractions can be quite enjoyable and fulfilling, such as "falling in love". However, others can make a person feel stuck, depressed and helpless. As a therapist, I help people find the power they need to get our of unwanted states of contraction. I find that once a person is in touch with their inner selves, that they often realize the power they need to navigate situations that feel hopeless.
February 14, 2011
My 15 year old once woke up and said, “Mom, I am a genius. I look at doubt as a possibility.” Just this small glimpse of what is going on in his head these days is precious - when he comes up with something brilliant, I find myself really pondering what he means through my own perspective.
I think it can be too easy to look at the world dubiously. Being dubious is a great defense, a way to not get caught letting one experience that there is still a lot of room in the world for genius, even the everyday kind that makes it all work out at the end of the day even though you had no idea how it would at the beginning of the day.
Cheryl
January 31, 2011
The economy has not been kind to very many people lately. Worrying about money and relationships are perhaps the two biggest stresses most people face. When money is tight one might think that things will never get better, but the nature of money is cyclical. If today you have money worries, think back to a time when you may have felt this way before - say as a student, or after a job ended unexpectedly. You got out then, and you can get out now, even if today, you don't know what looks like this moment. Here are 3 tips for dealing with money worries:
1) Perseverance. This is key. Don't pull the covers over your head. Respect your efforts to do what you know you can do, and reach out to others. Even if the payback is not immediate, you can maintain self-respect and balance through persevering.
2) Spend a few hours making a working budget. Categorize every expenditure. Knowing what is really going on with your finances will lessen anxiety. Remember, knowledge is power!
3) Remember what is really important. What are your training, skills and assets? Who are the people that care about you?
Hang in there,
Cheryl
January 17, 2011
When the holidays are all over and its colder outside, people can often feel blue. Sometimes, especially in winter months, people tell me that they are bored. I believe boredom is often a symptom of mild depression, and that depression is often the outcome of feeling everything is staying the same. If you are feeling blue or bored, feeling humdrum or empty, here is something you can do for 30 minutes that should make a difference.
First, make a gratitude list. Put down the top 10 things you are grateful for in your life today. Spend no more than 10 minutes doing this. Then, do something physical for 15 minutes. It can be running the vacumn, going for a brisk walk, or something else that increases your respiration. After these 15 minutes, re-read your gratitude list. If you don't feel less bored than when you started, or if you can't figure out how to get yourself to do this, give me a call. Your suffering may be deeper than just the winter blues.
January 3, 2011
Here we go with clean slates into another amazing year. That is, if we want clean slates. . . If you are struggling with this one, the easiest way to claim that fresh new feeling is to be grateful for what you already have, to be happy with the things you did well last year, and optomistic about the skills you have used in the past and carry into 2011. By doing this, you will be well on the way to dropping old resentments and truly experiencing a sense of newness.
Again, this is the time to ask: "What do you want from this one precious life of yours?"
December 21, 2010
Winter Solstice is today, December 21st. What this means is that even before the New Year makes its splashy appearance, our days have already begun to lengthen. The Solstice marks the moment when the darkest winter begins to give way to the light that in due season brings us warmth, flowers and new life. Often in life we can sit around waiting for some major event to tell us that change is finally happening, when actually the most encompassing changes are as immediate, subtle and deep as what is happening from one quiet day to the next.
For the simple pleasure of marking this day, in all of it's ordinariness and extraordinariness, below is Robert Frost's Solstice poem, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.”
"Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
May you enjoy your own version of "easy wind and downy flake" during this holiday season.
Cheryl
December 6, 2010
Do the holidays leave you feeling pulled in opposite directions? On one hand, this is the darkest month of the year, temperatures are down and even the landscape feels muffled in fallen leaves and fog. Our bodies and minds are calling us to go inward, to reflect, pause, dream. At the same time, the holidays are calling us to shop, listen and party. Where is the balance between these opposite directions?
I believe a major key to a good holiday season is the company you keep. Perhaps the most extreme unbalances in this season are a product of going along with the "flow" of social activities, spending and family obligations without giving oneself time for rest and contemplation. Yet isolation is not the answer either. Who in your life fills you with joy, inspiration, and makes you laugh? And on the opposite end, who in your life drains you or makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself? It is true that one can feel lonely in a crowd. It is also true that one can be all the company they need with nothing more than a good book and a hot cup of tea,
Season's Greetings,
Cheryl
November 22, 2010
Well, I broke down and did my Thanksgiving food shopping today and it was quite a scene at the local market. While standing in a very long line I watched people - some talking merrily, others quiet, most trying to hold a courteous space. It seemed everyone in line had a sense of purpose - this was an important trip, a Thanksgiving trip. In this post-modern, crazy world we live in, Thanksgiving is still a deep tradition for so many of us, if the number of turkeys in baskets was any indication.
And because it is so deep in our national psyches, many people can end up finding themselves blue, nostalgic, drinking and eating more than they actually want, and remembering people and times that were perhaps taken for granted but now cannot return. For some of us, this holiday is so family oriented that it can feel like an emotional straightjacket. For others, who may be far from loved ones, it can seem almost torturous, like a moral failing even though it is not one's fault that grandmother's house is no longer a destination.
Whatever you are doing for Thanksgiving, do it because you want to do it. Please do not judge your worth as a person in any way, shape or form on how you spend your time or what drama happens, or doesn't happen. Get enough sleep and down time, even if it means you don't get to make that final trip to the store or you go to the movies instead. No one will remember if you forgot the cranberry sauce, but they will remember how attuned you were to them.
Most of all, remember what you have to be grateful about, which was the original point of the whole thing. If nothing else, be grateful that you are alive, you are a good person and regardless of who you see or do not see, that you are spending your time with the best person in the world for you - yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Cheryl
November 11, 2010
Armistice Day. The turning of the globe towards winter. The rememberance of things loved, people dead, ideals formed through the ultimate sacrifice of mostly very young men and women to forces much greater than their own personal lives. All in order for us to have our own chance to live as we do. No matter what political beliefs you might have, this is a time of great contemplation of what it means to have the grace and fortune just to be alive.
September 28, 2010
This Saturday I take off for a month in the Himalayas, where I will be studying Indian psychology and philosophy for the month of October. I am looking forward to a block of time in which to contemplate, meditate and be removed from the constant distractions of modern society. For a month I will have no internet access, phone service (except for emergencies) or internet. What I will have is the company of teachers, villagers, birds and animals, mountains and streams. I feel extremely fortunate to be able to do this, and look forward to seeing you when I return.
With Gratitude,
Cheryl
September 15, 2010
Indian Summer has arrived in the Bay Area - the days are a glorious blue and warm. With this also is the promise of Fall - the leaves are dry and the days are getting shorter. What are your expectations for the coming season? Do you want to take your time and draw inward, or does autumn typically mean gearing up for work, school and activities? Will you travel, or does Fall mean hunkering down in one place? How would you like to approach the upcoming holidays?
Although it is possible to just drift from season to season without even thinking about it, the changing atmosphere will still have an affect on you. When Autumn comes "unexpectedly" it can feel a bit melancholy. So perhaps it is better to ask yourself now what it is you want to do with what remains of the year 2010. Other questions to ask include: What was going on last year at this time? What big achievements and challenges have happened this year? What are you grateful for? What remains to be done? Contemplating these sorts of things can bring about awareness of a desire to savor the sweetness of late summer. They can also allow us a more gracious transition into the upcoming season.
Here's to the great turning,
Cheryl
August 17, 2010
Almost everyone I know has been affected by the economy lately - and most are not having a very positive experience of it. Those with jobs worry about keeping them and many are working longer hours. Those who are under or unemployed have a totally different struggle. This is a great time to re-inventing oneself and one's career. After all, worry can be turned into a great motivator.
Many business people might say that this is the worst time to plan a new business, switch careers or take a new direction. The truth is, although it may take a little extra creativity and a bit more work, by the time the economy gets better, by making your plans now you will be head and shoulders above those who waited for a better economic climate. By doing your advance work in the dead of winter, the chances are you will shine strongly in the spring. So hang in there!
August 2, 2010
Many people start therapy because they feel terrible and have either exhausted their friends talking about why or are afraid to talk to anyone they know. Often what they find is that not only does therapy help them to immediately start to feel better, but that problems they are having in many other parts of their life can suddenly become more manageable.
This is because the only way a person can change the outside of their lives is to change the inside first. And once the inside has change, the new template of that change can help create success for them in many other areas of their lives. It is like putting on a new pair of psychological glasses, and it can feel almost magical.
July 15, 2010
I am back to blogging after a vacation to visit my relatives. The older I get, the sweeter these visits are, even when things don't exactly go as I've planned.. However, when visiting relatives, especially the ones we grew up with long ago, it is good to utilize a pre-thought out system of self care. This is especially true if in the par, our expectations have collided with that of family members and old friends. Here are three things I do to help keep myself feeling like an adult around my family of origin:
1) I try not to come with preconceived expectations of what is going to happen, where I am going to go and who I will spend time with.
2) I err on the side of making visits shorter than longer.
3) I try to be generous with myself in building in space away from my family. It's not that they are not fine people, but I get peace of mind having access to transportation, a coffee shop, and places I like to visit
alone or with an old friend. I find meditation particularly helpful.
These might seem obvious, but they really do help, and it is surprising how many adults don't remember to just give themselves the room and resources they need to be their best selves around their families.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
June 29, 2010
Someone looked at me the other day and said " a problem can never be solved at the level of the problem". This idea is interesting because just looking at a problem and hoping that this will make it go away often only magnifies its importance and solidifies it in your consciousness. So how do problems get solved then? Sometimes by totally unhooking one's mind from the "problem". Especially if you have been focusing on what you "should" be doing to solve it. Most of the time, what you think you should be doing you are not doing because part of you knows it isn't what really needs to happen anyway. So step back from it. Take a walk, do the dishes, talk to friends. Really let it go for a good 24 hours.
You may discover that the truth of the matter lies somewhere else, in some other solution that did not appear until you stopped saying "I should".
June 14, 2010
A lot of times people get so comfortable with their loved ones that they forget to treat them the way they should. Things get said out of carelessness and minor irritation that are not well recieved by partners, friends and children, and their comments reflect back our own unhappiness in ways that don't make us feel better. This is a set-up for a downward spiral. Here are a few questions you might ask yourself when you get that feeling that you are about to say something that may not actually be wise:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it the right time?
Is it the right place?
If you can just remember these, all sorts of unhappiness can be avoided. Write them on an index card. Or in ink on your wrist. Whatever it takes, they are worth remembering.
Cheryl
June 7, 2010
In the warmth of late Spring, the bees in my back yard are humming life's song as they gather sweet nectar for the winter to come. A bee's life is only a few weeks long, but supremely focused. As humans, we may find that bees have a focus eludes us (especially on nice spring days)! We are blessed with so many choices, so many potential outcomes, that without a method of setting clear intentions, a day, week, year, decade can just happen to us without us having much to say about it. Unlike the bee, it requires effort for us to be focused on our intention.
To set a meaningful intention, study what you want to accomplish, whether it is something that only you will know about or something that involves a great deal of interaction with others. Understand when, where and why you want it to be fulfilled. Once this large view has been visualized, start working backwards, setting long, intermediate and short term goals until you get to this present moment. Then you will buzz right along to the fulfillment of your intention.
May 31 - Happy holiday!
May 24, 2010
Sometimes, life can feel unbearable. From trying to find parking in a highly-congested area to hearing heartbreaking stories about famine to breaking off a close friendship, sometimes situations present themselves that are simply beyond our control and even beyond one's capacity for graciousness, let alone acceptance or management. Yet, a couple of minutes, months, or years later, the emotions that were so burning hot are cooled. Where does that sense of inadequacy and pain go? If we are lucky, and have the right psychological tools, our past painful moments become the fertile soil of our thoughts and feelings today. If we have not successfully negotiated our past, new pain simply piles upon old pain, and can lead us to feeling more helpless and even panicky.
Therapy can help to provide the support, tools and calmness one needs to revisit our hurts, mistakes and failures, It can reveal to us the hope and strength they have to offer us. Therapy helps people to develop habits of sucess in allowing us to negotiate previously "unnegotiable" stressors. It is truly a gift you give yourself.
May 17, 2010
Know yourself. This is a life-long directive for everyone who doesn't want to get to the end of their lives and wonder what just happened. Finding oneself does not have to do with navel gazing. It has to do with learning to share with yourself, and others, what the most important elements of your life are, why you care and what you can offer to others. It has to do with going inward instead of just watching life go by like some sort of cosmic television show. It has to do with knowing what gives you peace of mind. And that is priceless.
May you find joy today,
Cheryl
May 10, 2010
Happy all the time?
Is it possible? Yes – but usually rare. Almost all people have ups and downs, conflicting feelings about people and situations, moments of despair and elation. Yet having feelings is not what hurts us, what hurts us is NOT having feelings. What I mean by “not having feelings” is denying or pushing aside feelings that do not conform with how you want to think about yourself. Or feelings that you think are too scary to have. s. Feelings are not facts. They are not necessarily true - or false. They are our winds of consciousness and we get to decide what to do with them. We get to decide whether they will make a better or a worse person out of us with how we handle them.
At any moment, you can have a feeling and choose not to be reactive, or be defined by it. For instance, you can have an angry feeling, choose to watch it, and chose to take action that does not just create more anger. So think of that the next time someone cuts you off in traffic:-)
Here's to a happy Monday,
Cheryl
May 3, 2010
After a 2 hour process of going on-line this morning in search of new dental insurance, I am reminded that it can be not only time-consuming but discouraging to have to weed through websites and phone mail trees in hopes of finding someone live to talk to about your problem. And as for waiting on hold - I no longer like "Waltz of the Flowers" after hearing it over and over again.
If you call me, I will call you back within 24 hours if I don't have the opportunity to pick up the phone immediately. This has always been my policy, but now I realize that in this day and age, being able to talk to someone has become even more precious. Feel free to call me anytime at 415 282 2200 or email me at Cheryl@cheryldeaner.com.
April 27, 2010
This week's Monday blog became a Tuesday blog due to a day-long plumbing emergency. Life is like that sometimes - you start of in one direction in the morning, and find yourself somewhere else by the middle of the day. Constancy, however, is so important in life. Constancy with flexibility. Here is my favorite definition of maturity. It has been taped to my computer for so long that I do not remember the source, but it was possibly from a "Dear Abby" column of years gone by:
"This is maturity:
To be able to stick with a job until it's finished;
to do one's duty without being supervised;
to be able to carry money without spending it;
and to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."
What are your definitions of maturity?
All Best,
Cheryl
April 19, 2010
Welcome to my blog!
Mondays for most people about about getting back to their weekly routine. Sometimes on Mondays there is a struggle against the lethargy of just doing the same thing over and over, to thinking the same thing again and again. So some quick ways that people combat the rut include:
Be kinder to yourself - even at work.
Plan a vacation today
Bringing a new person into your life today
When something you don't like happens, react differently
Taking a walk, or just three deep breaths.
You may think that these suggestions are "ordinary" but just try one and notice how it affects your day.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
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